II. Yin & Yang

So, it seems someone shared my opening monologue with Yang (positive, bright) who couldn’t wait to share it with Yin (negative, dark). After Yin finished reading he turned to Yang and said “hold my beer”.

As soon as I declare myself to “be” something, the universe goes about the business of assisting me in experiencing that declaration. For all reasonable and practical purposes, that can and frequently manifests itself as the exact opposite of what I have declared myself to be. Yang out did itself in this instance.

I published my first entry on a Monday. On Thursday I injured my shoulder and by Friday I was on a round of steroids to repair the damage. I’d done steroids a couple of times so I figured I knew what to expect. I was not prepared for the extreme side effects this new regiment would bring about. It did repair the physical damage, but the unintended damage it did was like nothing I have ever experienced before. The first few days were all about controlling my blood pressure which would not come down below 200+ / 100+. We got a handle on that so I continued on with the regiment. It was a week into this when I realized I had become catatonic, somewhat none verbal and had lost all emotions.

I LOST ALL EMOTIONS. No happy, no sad, null, nothing, a void, emptiness. I cant really describe how this state of being was. I would say I was terrified, but that would not be accurate as I felt nothing. I was just going thru the motions of day to day living. I could only stay at work until noon and then I would go home and lie in a dark room trying to feel anything by drudging up memories, mostly tragic and sad form the past…nothing for days. Had I broken something that could not be repaired? I began to think I would never be the same. What if nothing ever mattered again? My identity had been wiped out. My emotions mean so much to me. I would gladly take the deepest, darkest pit of despair over nothingness. (Yang – that was not a challenge so just chill)

My family became very concerned. They kept a close eye on me and accommodated my detached state. The other nasty side effects where a loss of all sense of taste, insomnia, and vertigo. I was a mess. My brother and sister in-law had been reaching out but I could not bring myself to respond. I felt myself retreating deeper into the void. Several days after discontinuing the medication, I finally called my mom to share what had been going on. At some point during that call I felt something. A small pin point of light in my darkened world. Just a crack. Mom makes things better. Mom is the first point of light. Even men in their 50’s need mom.

“There is a crack in everything, that is how the light gets in” Leonard Cohen

I managed to stay at work the entire next day. I forced myself to keep connected thru familiarity. My Director at work is also my best friend, Toe (Mike L.) He ran interference for me so as to limit my interactions with other staff. I kept my head down and focused on my work at hand. I knew I was “not in my right mind” and really wasn’t trusting anything I might say. A positive side effect of this event is my desk is clearer and more organized than it’s been in ages.

On my way home my brother called. I had been avoiding him. I didn’t know how to explain this as I didn’t understand it myself. I took the call and explained what had happened as best I could. I was still very emotionless at this point, but better than the day before. He was very understanding and supportive. We had talked for sometime when during our conversation I realized I had laughed and when I pointed it out, I started crying. I wasn’t gone forever and “me” might all come back. Each day after that got a little better.

I had a long chat with my sister in law, Michelle, about a week later. Always an uplifting encounter. Same result, an increasing ability to “feel” returning.

I was able to start focusing on finding a positive light to shine on all of this. Not for some higher purpose, but to survive it and move forward. It had confirmed, once again, my suspicions as to how and why the universe works the way it does. I declared myself the light and the darkness came to allow me the opportunity to know that experience. I am not inferring that the only way to experience the “lighter” side of life is to suffer, but sometimes it can be a very effective tool or reminder to that end.

For your consideration: Be mindful of what you think, say and do. The universe is always listening. Its function is to give you exactly the experience you desire, usually not in the fashion in which you had anticipated it showing up but none the less, the perfect set of circumstances, regardless if we realize it or not, to experience who we choose to be in any given moment.

My husband shared a letter he had written to his favorite Aunt. She has lived a long and fulfilling life and is preparing to transition from this world to the next plateau. He recounted the many memories he has from his youth and adulthood that she stands out in. He writes very well and from the heart so by the second page a flood of emotions washed over me. I was back from the abyss.

Now how about a nice refreshing glass of lemonade…

It turns out what I really got was a needed, and received, emotional reset. At the peak of this “detachment” I took a very objective look at my life and how I had navigated it all these years. What stood out the most, as I reviewed life form this perspective, are the people and relationships I have with them. Its all that matters. Not what I have, what I’ve been thru or what I think I “want”.

As I touched upon these moments of my life, the emotion for those moments slowly came back. I was getting to re-live some of my most precious memories anew. The experiences from the last couple of years have been extraordinary to say the least. This gave me cause to touch upon and re-evaluate much of what I “thought” and “felt” about my life and how it has and continues to unfolded.

Life can be complicated, it can and always will take unexpected turns, but life is good and worth the journey…