XXVIII. Father’s Day

For oh so many years, Father’s Day was an event I just tried to avoid and ignore. Childhood Father’s Days were spent avoiding Harley. It wasn’t much different than any other day in regards to the attention he demanded of everyone in the house. He expected an adoring family but got what he had created, a family that feared and dreaded the time he spent at home. But he was still ‘dad’ so we made the best of it, pretending we were the family he imagined we were.

My positive image of a father was derived from TV shows and what I observed in others fathers. Very idealistic as in daydreams everyone is perfect and there are no pitfalls and even if there were occasionally, they were dealt with and wrapped up in a bow by the end of the 30 minute episode. Unfortunately, life rarely turns out the way it does on TV or in our daydreams…but sometimes it turns out even better than we could have imagined.

In my early 20’s I find what I am lead to and firmly believe is my biological father. Being denied and abandoned all over again set my heart on a coarse that sought to create family rather than try and make present family mean more that it did. The letting go began. Thinking back over the years, to when I tracked him down, it occurs to me that this was around Father’s Day as well. Father’s Day turned out to be a significant date in my life even if I wouldn’t realize it for decades. It makes sense now, now that the deceptions have been revealed, now that I know a bigger truth…now I know what it means to be a father and how diverse and dynamic that role can become.

I celebrated other peoples fathers on Father’s day. With envy and feeling a bit on the outside of something that I had always felt as an observer to rather than a participant. I witnessed real father – offspring relationships, the good and the not so good, but still there was love between them that seemed enduring. I longed for a relationship like that. One were a fathers love was given without condition, could be depended on and never doubted. But i never really anticipated it being something real in my life.

In 2007 I became a father. It was..is the most difficult and rewarding thing I have ever done with my life. I had no intention of ever being a father, although it had been one of my earliest desires and daydreams. I gave that dream up as the reality of life revealed itself to me. Often times what we desire is just not practical…until suddenly, one day it is. Our daughter came to us when she was 9. She is an incredible woman of 21 today. Yesterday I received the most perfect Father’s Day message from her. Father’s day has meant so much to me since her entrance into our lives. I have endeavored to make sure she knows she has my unconditional love and support. I never want her to doubt her secure place in my heart. She will always have ‘family’. My husband became a father as well. No intention of ever being one but threw himself into the role with all his heart. She is his pride and joy! Their relationship is so real and honest. He had a great dad as a role model and it shows. He gave me a card from the heart for Father’s Day. Happy Father’s Day, husband!

I already had a good ‘dad’ role model before Sydney came into our lives. My best friend, Toe (the other Michael) is one of the greatest dad’s I’ve ever known. He is so committed to his family. So patient with his children. He is unconditional love expressed. I leaned on him a great deal as I began navigating the sea of parenthood. I would not have done as well as I have, had it not been for his unwavering friendship and council. Happy Father’s Day, Toe!

Three years ago, yet again on Father’s Day, my perception was forever altered in regards to ‘Fathers’. I did the Ancestry test and found a father I never knew existed but had unfortunately passed just a few months prior to the revelation. That was huge! For a year after the discovery I just daydreamed of what it would have been like to have had him in my life. It would have been a good life. I love the life I have and would not trade it, but I can appreciate the life that might have been.

He would have been a great father. He is a great father.We would have enjoyed each others company. He was a humanitarian. He would have nothing but unconditional love for me. Family meant everything! He was a spiritual man. He loved adventure and laughter. He adored his grandchildren. I could go on making statements about him, statements I believe with all of my heart, but let me cut to the chase. How can I feel I know him so well? I know his son, my brother and the rest of the family he represents.

My impressions of my father are a direct reflection of my brother. He truly is his fathers son. My brother is a great father, a great man, much like his own father…our father. I am very proud of him. It is an honor to call him brother. Happy Father’s Day, Michael!

This is my father. A man I never knew but have come to love and admire none the less. I hope he knows my heart. I hope he feels me right now wherever his spirit may dwell. I love you. Happy Father’s day, dad.

In photos I see my eyes, my smile and all those physical characteristics that are passed down in families. I see my goodness, my character, my heart in my brother..my sister…the family he left behind is a remembrance of him… I see my father in me.