XXII. Faith

We went to Letie’s funeral. It was difficult but we felt that we needed to be there having been there at her end. We did not attend Wayne’s funeral. Wayne’s family never reached out to us and that was the best thing for all involved. The house sat empty for months and then was sold and became rental property. It had become known as the ‘murder suicide house’ in the neighborhood. When we got to know the first tenant we decided to never mention the history of the house. We are the only homeowners left who experienced that tragedy as all the rest have moved away over time. I still miss Wayne and Letie.

Life moves on and we moved on with it. In the wake of trauma, things that were dulling seem to take on a new luster. There were the numerous stages of grief we had to embrace, incorporate into our reality and move thru. That Thanksgiving, after the October Monday, was filled with gratitude for all we had in a way it had not been before. Death can give one cause to appreciate life even more than they already do. In fact, death, the idea that something or someone will end at some point, may be the only thing that gives us a reason to truly appreciate what we have in the moment of now. Each morning as I left for work and each evening when I would return I would gaze across the street and be mindful of the treasure that life is and how we know not how limited or extended it may be.

A couple of months later, in late December, I pulled into work around 6:30 am. I work with the mental health community and we have a crisis intake unit that takes clients on a first come first serve basis so it is not uncommon for there to be non staff vehicles in our parking lot at this time of the morning. As I drove around to the back of the building my headlights illuminated something unexpected in the driveway to the main entrance of our facility. A body. I stopped about 30 feet from the it. I said out loud “What the fuck? I was exasperated and let out a long sigh. More death? Why me? I picked up my phone and dialed 911. It felt almost automatic as I began by giving my name and location and what I had driven up on. The operator compliments me on how calm I am while giving her the information she needs. I respond, ” I just went thru this a couple of months ago. I know the drill”. I could see a vehicle parked off to the side with all the doors open and contents strewn about the parking lot. I thought possible robbery so got out of my truck very cautiously, once again narrating for the operator what I was seeing. I know at this point I am talking in a very monotone, in shock kind of voice. I detect no other people around so I approach the body…

“Oh my God, he’s alive, send emergency help right away”

He is in full seizure. his entire body is stiff but slightly shaking. I can hear the sirens in the distance getting closer. I kneel down next to him and do the only thing that comes to mind. I talk to him and God.

To him, “Hang in there. Help is on the way. Maybe God sent me to intervene. Maybe God sent me so you wouldn’t have to die alone. You are not alone”.

To God, “You cant let me lose this one. I need a win. OK, I know that’s not the way it works but really, I need some insight as to why this is happening again. What purpose could it possibly serve?”

The parametric arrived along with numerous other law enforcement. They took over and quickly swept him up into the ambulance and away. I gave my statement to the officer and went to my office. The entire scene had been dismantled, the car towed away, by 8:00 when other staff and clients began to arrive. Later in the morning one of our case workers and a good friend came by to fill me in on what the police had determined. He had driven to our site with the intention of committing suicide. He had ingested an incredible quantity of cocaine and was in all likely hood trying to retrieve the handgun under the passenger seat to finish the job and when he bent over, the blood with all that cocaine went rushing to his head and he went into the seizure.

I didn’t get much more information after that other than he was in a comma and not expected to live. He was a young man in his early 20’s that had gone thru several recent life set backs. He had lost faith in himself and humanity.

God had answered my questions years before thru life lessons and enlightening encounters. These events, as tragic as they seem, were a reminder of what I already knew to be true in my heart. I came across this awhile back and recently shared it on Facebook. It is a prefect answer to “why”

So really, its not “why me” but rather “why not me”. I am in this moment filled once again with grace for having been allowed to be there for a fellow traveler making their way thru and sometimes out of this world. There is a reason for everything, even if I have not figured out all the reasons…I have faith.

Several months later that same case worker contacted me. They had taken Roy off life support..and he continued to breathe on his own. Then one day he just woke up. He was sent to a rehabilitation facility and now wanted to meet with me. I gladly accepted the invitation. He was very grateful and apologetic. I am not sure were this came from (OK, we all know where this came from) but I went into a bit of a lecture. I was stern while pointing out that he had been given a second chance after he had attempted to throw away the greatest gift any of us are ever given. This second life was not his own and he needed to dedicate it to humanity and making others lives better. This was his sole purpose now so he would never take for granted that which he almost lost. We were both crying by the end of my little rant. I know he needed to hear this and I was so honored to deliver the message.

Lets kick this up a notch! Its no secret that Dolly Parton’s lyrics and music resonate with me. Since my early childhood I have found comfort and direction in her gift that she shares with us all. Today’s offering is one of her latest creations. She is still discovering new ways to spread her message of hope and joy. Its a high energy dance tune that she co wrote and performs with Galantis but if you stick with it and listen to the words, you will be uplifted and dancing in your seat..or living room…or isle of a grocery store.

Let’s take’em to church, Dolly!

Know the road gets hard
And you just wanna leave
I ain’t ever too far
Just have a little faith in me
When all the fears you hide
Are all you can believe
Oh, I’ll be standing by your side
Just have little faith in me

When you don’t know who you are
I will find you so easily (Oh)
Don’t you worry, whenever you need me
Have a little faith in me (In me)

Let me shine and radiate
With your love and light, and help me make
Any change I can in this world today
Just show me the way and have a little faith in me.