V. Uncle Ted

The proceeding events all occurred in the first few hours and days of receiving the initial email from Ancestry. My emotions and thinking were all over the place. At times I felt as if I was going crazy and becoming unhinged. I would go from being really pissed off and resentful to being overjoyed and grateful. Is this just a case of tragic coincidence or a manifestation of a miraculous universe that never ceases to surprise and amaze me? Both of these conditions can be true at the same time, Divine Dichotomy.

“It’s important to learn about Divine Dichotomy and understand it thoroughly if you are to live in our universe with grace. Divine Dichotomy holds that it is possible for two apparently contradictory truths to exist simultaneously in the same space.” N. Walsh

Choosing one does not negate the other. The one I choose determines my state of mind and actions going forward. But what was my path forward…

Ted was my uncle, there was no denying or speculating about this. The DNA was conclusive and in building the tree, I had eliminated all other possible ancestry connections. He was only 10 years older than me and his father, my grandfather, had passed before I was conceived meaning we could not be brothers. I began to wonder why had Ted done the test? On Ancestry I could see he had only joined and done the test in December 2016…2 months before his brother, Peter, had passed…6 months before I got my results. Was he looking for someone…possibly at his dying brothers bequest?

After a great deal of contemplation I deiced to reach out to Ted thru the Ancestry messaging service. I fully appreciated, from the beginning of this, the delicate and potentially chaos inducing situation Ted would now find himself in. By not only doing the DNA test, but allowing it to match to others and use his real name, he had brought this “family secret” from the shadows of the past into the light of the present. I could have been, as I can understand many are, overwhelmed and not reasoned in my reaction. I presumed that Ted would understand that he may need to take the knowledge of my existence to his grave.

The responses I got from Ted to my communications were cautious and measured. I respected that. He had no idea as to the content of my character nor I to his.

What follows are the first few, of only 7 messages, we would ever exchange. My first contact was a simple introduction. I did not disclose any of the information I had garnered. I told him who I was, who my family was and hoped he might shed some light on our connection. His response was one line:

Jun 12, 2017

             Sorry Rob, none of those names are familiar to me.

Mr. Hax
Thank you for responding. It doesn’t surprise me that you wouldn’t recognize any of these names. My mother was only guessing at the name of my father.
This wont be the first time I’ve gotten erroneous information from her.
It seems the only truthful thing she knew about my father was his Scandinavian heritage which this DNA test has verified.
As I stated, I am new to this research so I may misunderstand the results of the testing. I read it as you are a very close relative, an uncle or 1st cousin possibly. I didn’t expect it. In reaching out to you I had hoped for possible information about my father and at the most, a photo. I doubt he ever knew I existed as my mother was with another man by the time I was born.
I understand how complicated my turning up like this could be for his / your family. I am probably a youthful indiscretion from the past and may be best left in the past. I wont be a problem or nuisance. If you are so inclined to try and match me, for your own or my benefit, to one of your relatives here is the little information I can provide.
I was conceived in the late summer of 1962. Born in April of 63.
This probably happened near a Naval training base in Georgia. Mother is from Georgia and this is where she would meet my step father as well.
I’m 5′ 11″, 155 lbs, hazel eyes and blond hair Thanks again for taking the time to respond.

The day after Fathers Day

Jun 19, 2017

Mr. Hax
First let me me thank you for taking this DNA test and allowing Ancestry to make matches known to others. Had you not done so I would have never had the opportunity to discover what I have in the past week. I’ve searched Ancestry and online and now feel I have a pretty clear idea on how this might all fit together.
I’ve been able to to see photos of the Hax family (You, your father, your family, your bothers, sisters and their families). and for the first time in my life I see my self in others faces. I imagine that coming from such a close family, you cant understand how meaningful that is for someone who never knew where they came from.
Please don’t concern yourself with my ability to garner this information. Part of my skill set is being able to research and find things on the internet. One only need know where to look.

I believe you are probably my uncle and one of your brothers, Wilbur Jr. or Peter is my father.
When I saw the photo of your father, Wilbur Sr., I saw every baby picture of myself in his face.
My shared resemblance to Peter and his family is very strong.
I was never able to find a photo of Wilbur Jr. or much information on him. The only real question in my mind is which one, probably Peter from the information I have gathered.
It’s also apparent that both these men were already married when one of them would have had this encounter with my mother. They went on to have families and fulfilling lives. They both left widows, children and grand children. My most sincere condolences for the recent loss of your Brother. 
Let me be clear and put any concerns you may have to rest. I have no intention of tainting your loved ones memories with the knowledge of my existence. Their wives & children may have or may not have known about me. They themselves may have never known about me. I won’t try and contact them. I am glad I found you instead of one of them first. Any further contact we may or may not have I will leave up to your discretion. 

I’m giving you my personal cell and an email address should you be so inclined to contact me or send me additional photos or information. It would be much appreciated.
If I never get the chance to say it again, Thank you, Uncle Ted!

Days and then weeks passed by with no response. I began to accept that this is where the quest would end. In hindsight, I needed this time to process what was truly life altering information. That processing would take me places in my mind and heart I had never allowed…had a reason, to go. A lot happened internally in this time-space. After the first month, I didn’t expect to ever hear from Ted again…

3 Months later

Oct. 3. 2017

Dear Robert – I apologize for the delay in responding to your earlier emails. I am intrigued by your story and appreciate there are a number of elements that lend credence to the possibility that you are a close relative and, indeed, may even be a child of one of my brothers. However, as you have noted, there is no conclusive proof of paternity so it is difficult to fully embrace the notion that you might actually be my nephew. Nevertheless, based on circumstantial evidence it can be deduced that my brother Peter may have been your father. Unfortunately, he recently died. He is survived by a loving wife of almost 60 years, 3 children (a 4th was killed several years ago), 10 grandchildren, and 3 great grandchildren. As you would surmise, they are a close family, although not without the normal challenges that we all confront in life. I am sharing this information in the hope that it gives you some comfort in knowing about your potential family legacy. Possibly someday there can be further proof of such, and even reconciliation with surviving family members. I will share any new information that comes to my attention. In the meantime, I wish you the best. Regards, Ted

My honest impression at this time was that Uncle Ted, although considerate and accommodating,  probably wished I would just go away. I couldn’t blame him so, to a certain extent, I did. It did give me solace that he acknowledged our relationship and the probability of his brother, Peter, being my father. I held no ill will towards Ted. He was placed in an awkward position thru no fault or action of his own. I myself had needed time to digest all of this, figure out just what to do with it and more importantly, what I would become in relationship to this new truth about my past and now present reality…or what I thought my reality was to be..

“There is something I do not know, the knowing of which could change everything” Werner Arhard