I awoke the next morning in a very foul mood. I was angry. There seemed to be a lot of emotions that the evening before had brought to the surface that I had not really dealt with as well as I thought I had. I was alone in a strange town, missing my home, my husband and all those little things that bring me comfort by way of familiarity…distractions. It was just me, God and time.
I wouldn’t be seeing my brother or his family till the afternoon. To much time on my hands or time I needed? Now that I had actually met them, I could no longer deny how disappointing it was that I had not had them up until now, that I had never had my father, or my brother, Pete. I was having a hard time being grateful for what I had and was caught in a downward spiral of despair over what I had missed out on. I felt petty but I knew I was being genuine. I gave God a piece of my mind. I was as irreverent as you can possibly imagine. I had every right to feel slighted by the universe so I fell into it, knowing that until I embraced it, faced it, I could not move thru and beyond it. I chose not to try and figure it out or try and resolve it. I had no interest in making lemonade out of these lemons. I just sat with it, feeling all the pain, regret and confusion…and then it just started to dissipate. I couldn’t help but note the rapid shift in my perspective and overall state of mind. I had passed thru something, something very painful yet necessary.
In regards to the stages of grief, the grieving of people and relationships never known, Is this what final acceptance feels like? I felt ‘lighter’. The memory of the previous evening began to replace my despair and lift me. The possibility of the day and more time with family filled me with optimism. I laughed out loud and then gave myself a little pat on the back.
Maybe…when we experience as much love as I had the night before we have the courage to face the pain or maybe, just maybe, the pain allows us to know that much love and appreciate it..my lemonade.
I shifted my gaze upward and whispered “Thank you”.
Michael and I had some time just to ourselves before the rest of the family stated trickling in that afternoon. I had hoped for more but in hindsight, it was just the right amount. We had to have a couple of our ‘heavy’ conversations, some things I felt needed to be expressed in person rather than over the phone.
As the troops began arriving home, the house came alive. They were all bustling about and tending to their day to day routines. I was very amused by the conversation between my brother and niece, Sarah, on how dishes left in the sink somehow ‘magically’ make their way into the dishwasher…I know this same song…the struggle is real. I love Sarah’s spirit!!!
This evening I would be meeting another important family member, Mason. Mason is Ashley’s boyfriend for like forever! I think they’re High School sweethearts. I’d seen him in various Facebook posts, on vacation and just hanging with the family. They make a great looking couple and I can say, after meeting and spending just a little time with him, he is a really good guy. They compliment each other.
Sidebar: Although I had just met my nieces and nephew, I was already feeling a bit protective of them, kind of judging this guy to be worthy or not of Ashley. I know, that sounds ridiculous but it is what it is. BTW, Mason, you cleared my background check. You may continue to see my niece..;)
I was the ever vigilant observer, watching this family, my family. After dinner we all sat around the kitchen / dinning area listening to music on my phone, while Sarah did her homework and Landon worked on his in the other room. It was so easy to just ‘be’ with these people. Landon came in asking his mom to check his homework. He needed Sarah’s assistance for something and she gladly stopped what she was doing to check and help explain it to him. Ashley and Mason cuddled at one end of the table and my brother was sitting next to me, I spilled my drink…great, now I’d be known as ‘sloppy drunk uncle Rob” ;).
Awhile later, Michael brought up the idea of calling Ted again. I figured lets get this out of the way and was relieved when Michael suggested a speaker phone conversation with the whole family. If things got awkward, then he could carry the conversation. I was still under the impression that Ted was forced into this situation and that I was a complication. We all went into the den, Michael and I sitting at the end of two matching sofas with the phone between us, the rest of the family scattered about. Ted answered. Michael let him know we were all there on speaker and he put his on speaker so Aunt Debbie could join in the conversation.
I’m not exactly sure how the conversation started but where as I couldn’t get but a few words out of Uncle Ted over that first year, I could barely get a word in edgewise. He and Aunt Debbie went on about how they knew I was Peter’s son from the beginning and just had to figure out how to bring me to the family. They both commented on how much I looked and sounded like my father and brother, Pete Jr.. They spoke of who we might possibly inform next, Bill’s name was mentioned in that regard. Emotions are washing over me during all of this. How wrong I was in my assumptions abut uncle Ted. Fear had obviously driven much of my initial thinking around him. Prepare for the worst and hope for the best was a survival instinct of mine.
Michael and Ted did carry most of the conversation. I was very grateful for that, not because it was awkward, not at all. Because I was having some serious emotions and shifts in perspective. They had embraced me as well. When I spoke next…barley holding tears back, I tried to express my heartfelt appreciation for he and Debbie’s support and behind the scenes activities that brought this reunion about. I wasn’t successful in holding back the tears. Michelle saw it coming on and was already there beside me with a box of tissue. We ended the call with love you’s, talk soon and so glad we are all connected now.
Most of the family had left the room. Michael and I sat there in the silence. I was still composing myself, taking it all in. He reached over and touched my arm, in the most reassuring way. I reciprocated and did the same. So much was conveyed with those simple gestures yet not a word was spoken. A brothers bond. I love you, Brother.
A while later Michael motioned for me to follow him to their bedroom. He pulled a sport coat from the closet and ask that I try it on. It fit me pretty well. It was another of the mementos Michael had retrieved from his parents home. It was like a hug from my father. Michael wanted me to have it.
The evening passed to quickly. It was nearing midnight once again. I had to be up before the sun making the long trek back to Texas. We took a couple of photos, and started to say goodbye…the first in many attempts that would stretch over the next hour. We finally made it out to my truck. My brother, the Marine, insisted I let him know that I had gotten safely back to my cottage.
“Back in the cottage. hard to find words…Your are my people, you are my tribe. I have found the origin of my heart, my hope. I see nieces and a nephew who are carrying that heart, carrying our hope into the future. A connectivity I had not experienced and now treasure. That’s just a portion of what you, my brother, and your incredible family mean to me.”
I love you, Sarah, Ashley and Landon.
“And you to us. Rest well, my brother and safe travels home to your family. See you soon. Love Mike and family”
There was one other ‘moment’ that night. Late in the evening Michelle took me aside, held my hand and gently placed dad’s cross in it. She had prayed on it the night before and was certain that this is the reason she had felt compelled to bring it to the hospital that day. God, the universe…dad knew what it would mean to me, to all of us, to have this physical representation of our connection and the underlying love we all had for each other even before we were aware of it. God may indeed work in ‘mysterious’ ways, but there is no denying, in my reckoning, God is always working to bring me to myself and the incredible life I am having. Michelle is a conduit of all that is good. I love you, Michelle.
I have not worn a piece of jewelry around my neck…ever. The last thing I do each evening is take it off and hang it on my bedside lamp where I retrieve it each morning. It is a constant reminder of my place in the world, my connection to it and all those I have had and have in my life. It symbolizes the genuine and unique bond I have with my brother, Michelle and their entire family. It is a comfort…a reassurance that I have never been as alone as I have imagined at times and never will be…there are angles among us, above us and within us. This is my Talisman.
God I love these people!!!… No, seriously, God, I love these people. Thank you.
Sometimes life can start off stormy, like the morning had. But, without fail, if I have faith and the determination to ride it out, see it thru, and stay the coarse the clouds part and the sun shines upon me once again. I will endeavor to be mindful that even on a stormy day the sun still shines. It is only obscured by the clouds. The rain can wash away the pain, nourish growth and new life.
Lemons, Lemonade and Sunshine can all be expressed with the same crayon. Get out your crayons and color yourself a beautiful life.
Simply a smile. Hugs…