VI. A year to ponder, wander and wonder

I didn’t just sit around waiting for Ted to respond, well maybe for the first few weeks I did. I spent a great deal of time in contemplation. I allowed myself the luxury of daydreams of reunions…but they always gave way to the reality of the situation, a reunion was unlikely. This what not a Lifetime made for TV movie. This was real life, with real people, with real emotions that cannot be scripted. I set out to get to know these folks who might never know me.

Dan & JR

Dan is the significant other of JR, one my 2nd cousins or nephew, one or the other could only be determined if there was DNA evidence that his mother, Nancy, was my sister or 1st cousin. That is the type of limbo I lived in as I imagined these relationships. Dan, God Bless him, has his Facebook set to public. Along with photos of JR’s family (cousins or brothers & sisters) He and JR also spent a good deal of time assisting the Hax family after a major flood. He does a thorough job of documenting the things they do and adventures they have. I do hope that somehow, someday, I might get the opportunity to thank him for this window into the family’s lives that he provided. If you ever happen to read this, Dan, Thank you!

I began capturing and printing a family photo album. I have collected over 100 images. Thru Dan I attended Peter’s funeral and wake. I have photos of his casket. I should also point out that at this point I am 99% sure Peter is my father. As I collected and studied photos my family resemblances to him and his children was undeniable…but as I have noted, appearances can be deceiving so a certain bit of uncertainty still needed to be considered.

I deduced from the information at hand that I had 2 brothers and 2 sisters thru my father, Peter; Pete Jr., Teresa, Michael and Joanne, in that order. Pete was born 13 months before me. We look a lot alike. I will never get to meet Pete. He died in a parking lot on a Sunday morning in October, 2012. The Hax family lost a significant part of their lives that day. A son, a brother, a father, an uncle and friend. I lost an opportunity. Just a few years later, they would lose their father…my father. Another lost opportunity for me. As I observed their grief, via Facebook and news stories I would find, I mourned these losses in my own way. Empathizing with the grief the family must be dealing with, and not really having anyone to grieve with myself, I sincerely pondered, was it better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all?

To love is to not only to take the chance that you may loose the object of your love, but to accept the certainty of that loss as nothing lasts forever in its current form…but love.

I reached out to Alice. I thought she might be interested or able to offer some insight now that I knew who my father was. I was excited to share this information. I had not reached out to her in over 15 years.

“Alice, this is Robert, Do you have a moment to talk?” “Who” “Robert, your first born son” “No!” and she hung up the phone.

Sometimes you think you are grown and over something…somethings you never out grow or get over, such as the rejection of a parent. This was a stark reminder that my fantasy about how this new family might receive me, if they ever were to know me, were in fact rooted in fantasy and not probability given my personal first hand experience with this type of scenario. If this is how my mother reacted, what could I honestly expect from these people that would just be finding out about me?

I had many long talks about this with God. Not so much talks, but rants. I ranted, God knew best and just listened for the most part as I worked all this out. I imagined all sorts of scenarios by which I might go around the people I felt I needed to protect and still garner information and insight…but all ended at the same conclusion, I really didn’t know theses people or if I could trust them not to divulge information to players that could be damaged by it. The two widows left behind were my major concern in this regard. It would do them no good to be burdened with this knowledge as they could do nothing about it. Their spouses were not there to be mad at, or to ask for their forgiveness , or be forgiven. There could be no resolution. I would not be a party to that unnecessary distress.

I imagined reunions that would never be…but in imagination, they are beautiful and always turnout well. In reality they are usually very messy and can be awkward and disruptive.

And so the letting go began. I had come to a place with God, of appreciation for the knowing and the solace that I had not been abandoned or rejected by my father. He simply, in all probability, never knew I existed. I was getting better with the “what if” game we had been playing…It always ended with the same conclusion, if I changed one aspect of my life, like “what if” I had been raised by my father…I would have never known the incredible mom I have or the brothers and sisters I was raised with. To change any aspect or condition of my past is taking the chance of losing or altering an experience or relationship with people I cherished then and now. But on the other hand, somehow knowing all of this now, was actually changing my experience of the past or at least the memory of it.

Then out of the blue, 3 months later, Ted responds in October. I had fully accepted that I would never hear form him again. We exchanged a couple more messages, me inquiring about family medical history, of which I had never had any to offer my doctors when asked. Ted wished me a Happy Holiday as I did to him in December…and then we just stopped communicating. What more was there to say? We had in all probability came to the same conclusion. There really was no path forward for us as family. At least I had gotten to connect and communicate with my Uncle Ted. That was something special.

I spent a full year, June 2017 to June 2018 integrating all this into my internal and external life. I grew. I was better off knowing and embraced it for what it was, not what it might have been.

I watched as they all celebrated holidays, anniversaries of births, marriages and passing’s. I was the observer, grieving and celebrating in my own private way. From everything I could tell, from the outside looking in, these were really good people. These were people I would have liked to know even if we were not related.

As my family, friends, and coworkers can attest, I walked around with my feet sightly off the ground this entire time. This had manifested into one of the most incredible chapters of my life, I shared my adventure many times and each time, as I would hear myself recounting the tale, I would marvel at the turn of events that had brought me to all of this. I was reassured that there was order in the universe and that I should never stop expecting to be surprised by its unfolding.
It didn’t matter if it it didn’t turn out to have a fairy-tale ending. It added to my story, a story I would not have missed living for any level of comfort or ease.

Acceptance

I took a long road trip, alone, to visit my mom. Talking with mom always helps put things into perspective. She has been incredibly supportive and excited for me thru this entire endeavor. She even did the Ancestry test herself as she knew her father had another family. On my way home, an 800 mile drive, I resolved to bring this to a conclusion, not only with Ted, but in my heart and mind. It had turned out to be a very positive, if not painful at times, series of events. I decided to send Ted one last message, a thank you and goodbye.

June 25, 2018

Ted
I’ve given myself a year to absorb all of this and I’ve come to a few conclusions or “this is how I feel at this time”. LOL
I would like to know who is who in my family tree, siblings or cousins. 
A reunion isn’t necessary but I would be open to it. I would like them to know I exist if it didn’t cause undue pain or anxiety. Not sure if I would ever instigate this but I also don’t want to put you in the position of middle man.

I don’t know how much you now about me or if you’ve done any research but here is a bit of information.
I was born on a navel base in Maryland. My biological father and mothers name are not on my birth certificate. (That’s another story) My step father was an air traffic controller in the Navy. He knew my father but wouldn’t divulge anymore information other than the fact he wasn’t my father.
I was my mothers 1st born, my brother would be born 13 months later .
She abandoned us when I was 2 and he was 1. I have never met her and only spoke to her a few times over the years after tracking her down in my early 20’s. She refused my call to talk about this development. That is ended.
I was raised by a cruel stepfather and an incredibly loving stepmother whom I’m still very close to. He passed in 2001. One half brother and four step siblings. Somewhat estranged from most of them due to varying differences. That is their choice.
My husband of 18+ years and I have have a 20 year old daughter. We have lived in Austin TX for over 35 years having grown up in very rural America
I have worked at an MHMR authority / provider for almost 25 years. I will eventually retire form here.
I have a very good life filled with wonderful people and experiences.

Thank you, Ted! You have been very accommodating while I’ve processed this new information into my life.
My best to you and your family.
Rob

I always tend to leave every door slightly ajar. Possibility is the essences of all probability…even if it seems improbable in the moment.

But it was time to move on. Life had gone on during all of this and there were things and people to attend to in the here and now.

July 29, 2018

{I answered in a low monotone voice “hello” ready to go off on some telemarketer calling my phone on a Sunday morning. “Is this Rob?”. “Yes”. “This is Michael, Michael Hax” I stood there speechless…
“Do you know who I am?” “Yes, I just never expected to hear from you.”}